"Move in Me"

So, well, I literally just had a random urge to sit down and write earlier. Just, taking a break from my bio project, and I suddenly started having song lyrics come to mind... Here's what this produced. I hope you enjoy! Constructive criticism would be helpful! :) And sorry for the spacing problems at some points. I copied and pasted it from Word and I can't seem to get rid of it even though it's single-spaced on Word. XD

"Move in Me"

 

(Verse 1)

Lord take my heart

 

And take my mind

It seems that I

Cannot decide

To just give it all to you

Though my heart’s tearin’ in two

There’s just something it seems that I lack

To stop myself from taking this all back

 

(Chorus)

Lord move in me

I just want this world to see

Lives can be changed

You can heal the deepest pains

You take each man

And hold him in Your hand

On our own, when we just, can’t get through

I want them to know to turn to You

 

(Verse 2)

Lord take this life

And set it all on fire

I want my name

To be on a funeral pyre

That I might die to myself

Since I know I can’t be without

Your light living in me shining through

And this one body just can’t hold two

 

~Chorus~

 

(Bridge)

So my head to my feet and everything between

Lord I ask that you please, would come and move in me

For I am broken, but you make all things new

And through the cracks in me, I will let your light shine through

 

~Chorus~

 

So, yeah, if you've seen in some of my earlier posts, right now, I literally just want God to come and use my life for Him. If He can use me for his glory, I don't want any credit, but I would be SO incredibly happy! :D

 

That's all for now! God bless!



Life and Writing Songs

Well, I haven't posted since the 16th.... or, Sunday..... not as an excuse, but as a reason; double-module ILC week. I JUST finished and it was due by midnight tonight. So, relaxing a bit now... even though I found out next week coming up is gonna' be another double week...  But, well, I got through this one I am sure I can survive the next... XD

So, well, I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately about a LOT of topics. Now, for me, one way I tend to process my thoughts is by writing poetry/song lyrics. So, well, I was in a really amazing place spiritually this weekend, and, right now, I can NOT get enough of God... Like, I go to a Christian school, two youth groups, and church... the only day I am without Him in some area being taught about him is Saturday. So, I have decided Saturday will be my work day. I will do ALL (or as much as I can out of all) my work on Saturdays. This way, I can focus on God on Sunday. Also, I have been having trouble keeping my thoughts on God... instead I find them straying to other things such as stressing over school, the latest videogame, boys, etc. I am right now trying to get my heart and brain back check following God wholly and keep them there. It's hard. But, well, here's a song I wrote to do with it (a few lines are off, even if I still like ther version, because I wrote it on the bus this morning and it seems to have jumped out of my pocket between then and now... XD ). I am certain it has FAR more significance to me, because I know what each small detail means, since I also know what it is based on... but, well, I hope you enjoy. (also, I know it seems it doesn't fully rhyme properly, but it does how I sing it, and it was written to be a song, so, yeah...)

Live For You Alone Completely



She chokes down tears and swallows down fears

She doesn't even know the words she needs to hear

Maybe a simple "I love you" could turn her world around

But for now she sits - her tearstained face turned to the ground

 

He knows her shoes just all to well for him

He feels like his world has just stopped, crashing in

And yet, though they are both many miles away

They are both crying out the same thing to You today

 

(Chorus)

I wanna' live for You alone completely

Not afraid or ashamed to wear my heart on my sleeve

With a cross 'round my neck; imaginary halo overhead

I wanna' be walking, oh, both living and yet dead

 

She smiles to hide the pain that she feels inside

 To keep up the act of her lies of "No, I'm fine."

But she wonders if she'll make it through this week

Her life seem to be dull, so sad, so bleak

 

He cries because he sits and knows she's lost

Though they used to be in love, or so they thought

But now he kneels for if he stood he'd surely fall

And they both cry out to the Lord of all

 

-Chorus-

 

(Bridge)

I give you my heart; all of the broken pieces

I give you my desires take my dreams and wishes

I give you my life that You'll use it for your name

And I ask that in this moment you will grow me through this pain

-Chorus-

The End

 

Well, yeah... that's about it... some of you will better understand than others what this means to me and what it's about... but I hope you like. Now if I could only write guitar chords or piano music for it... XD

For now, I'm out. Bedtime because I am exhausted from a rather long week.

God bless!!!!!!!!



Words cannot say... (and also guys...)

If you know me, you probably saw my Facebook status from earlier... I shall copy and paste it just for everyone's sake, though.
"Honestly, she has no words that can say what she wants to express. Our God is just such an AMAZING God. ♥ People say it a lot, but that's because that is the best we can do to try and do Him justice. Really, though, that does not even begin to do Him any justice. He has given us life; no strings attached. We can never pay Him back for it, but we can give our lives to Him and let them be for Him....

Starting right here, and right now, she is committing to do her best to live every moment from here on in for God, without whom she wouldn't have a life to live. Yes, she's been a Christian for a while - it's not like this is a new thing or any of her commitment before was false - but she's taking this commitment to a new level. This is going on Facebook as a public proclamation so that you all know this and can help hold her to this. Don't be lukewarm for God; be hot or cold (Revelation 3:16). She wants to be on fire and burning up... ♥"

Well, that's said most of what I wanted to put on here anyways, haha. (and yes, the "she" my status speaks of is me)

 

One area of my life I am particularily deciding is going to God is boys. I've gotten to a point where I am just not gonna' look for the right guy anymore, and trust that God will send him to me. Even, I have decided never again am I telling a guy my feelings first. If a guy thinks I'm worth it, he'll talk to me first...
Also, I have decided on a clear sign in terms of if I know God wants me and the person to be together. I have told two people to hold me accountable to sitcking to that. That way, I can't change for my heart if it falls out of alignment with what God wants.

 

Recently, I realized something... I don't think I'm going to fall for a guy right off the bat... I will probably end up loving God in them before I start to fall for them..... and honestly I would love to have the same happen for me. I would love for a guy to fall for God in me before he falls for me.... Plus, even then that would show me that if he loved me for God in me, he really loves God.

 

I've actually recently really been learning what I want in guys. I haven't written down a concrete list... in that case I think I'd follow it too closely... but I know better now what I want in my future husband... which is important because you date in the intention of marriage, really, since when you date you break up or get married. If you plan on breaking up, well, don't date obviously, and if you/they/both of you don't agree you're gonna' get married, end things before you become more attached.

Anyways, that was slightly off topic from what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say ties in with wanting a guy who is on fire for God. In church today, while we took up offering, the worship team kept playing. There were two young guys/men (my age/a year or two older) on the team and they were really worshipping with all they are; you could see it by looking at them. My mom randomly leans over and whispers to me something along the lines of "I see those young men up there worshipping with all their hearts... and I know God has a guy like that for you." I am not ashamed to say I honestly broke down crying. Recently, I've had a LOT of trouble beleiveing God has a guy for me. After one relationship I ended I thought I'd blown my only chance. I know better now. I am trusting God to send along the right guy at the right time. A guy who will love God more than me and understand that I will always love God more than anyone in my life (even if it's because he is in the same shoes). I'll admit my heart's still like "the sooner the better, God! I want to really know this guy well before I marry him!" but I am trusting. I can't wait 'til that guy finds me, and, in his being on fire for God, helps me to be more so!

 

For now, I honestly am in a majorly and incurably good mood. ☺My life is now for God alone. ♥

My message to you all, from a song; SHINE LIKE THE STARS! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru80tKwCLcg

God bless! ♥

Soften Your Heart/Crossroads

Yesterday was my youth group's kick-off. It made me SO glad that we didn't have game and a BBQ or anything (nothing against youths who do, though), but we had a lesson like any other youth night (well, except we got sundaes at the end, too :D ). And can I just say, I NEEDED that lesson. Like, I was walking a knife's edge and it is keeping me on balance so I can reach the end. The whole lesson was about how we need to make sure we have soft hearts, not hard hearts, and how we can soften them.

For about the last month, I have honestly had such a hard heart towards God. I have been trying to soften it recently, but I can say it really helps to have bible verses and notes from a youth group to look at when I start to slip again. Also, I am just SO thankful that God doesn't turn His back on me when I turn my back on Him. If He did, I don't even know that I'd be here today (I did come close to suicide before in my past and God was the only reason I didn't go through with it, but that's a story for a different post).

Psalm 73 was what we studied (here's a link to it if you want http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2073&version=NIV1984) This is a passage written by Asaph. He starts of whining a bit. As he goes on, he gets more and more extreme until he says, in verses 12-14 "This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth. ¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning." That becomes just a little extreme. The funny thing is, right after this, he suddenly clues in to what he's saying and begins to turn around in his opinion, saying "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you. ²³ Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.²⁴ You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I don't think it can get much clearer than those last verses. Especially verse 23. "Yet I am ALWAYS with you; you hold me by my right hand." God is ALWAYS with us. Sometimes we all feel alone, especially during times where we feel we need someone to rely on. I hardened my heart a lot, but looking at that helped me reach that same point as Asaph did. I suddenly sat back and realized how blessed I am even just to have life. So, my heart is softening, and I am just left praying that God will shape my will to His for me.

I've kind of felt my life is coming to a bit of a turning point, or a crossroad. I've seen myself growing up and am finally acknowledging it. I've realized I am becoming more indepenent, but with that comes responsibility. Some of this includes my faith. Now it's my choice where I go with my faith; I won't just be sent to Sunday School or youth group like the "good little church girl" my parents want me to be. Now I can be a mature (I hope) Christian out of my own choosing. I am taking a step into trying to become more involved in youth and church. Before it was more like I'd go when I could make it easily or at all. Now I have decided I am going to try my best to attend two youth groups a week as well as church. I've also realized my blogs tend to be about God. I love that. I am making it my goal to include at least one bible verse in each blog. That gets me more into the word, and I have trouble sitting down and just reading the Bible, but blogging helps me get into it far more easily.

Basically, I have hit that point where my faith is now my choice. I have to act on it and try for it if I want to further in it. I am making the choice to try my best. I certainly feel like I am being "attacked" by the devil, but as people tend to forget, we are always attacked before we are blessed. That is what I am clinging to; the promises of a blessing for all this.

Well, that's all I feel like putting for now. I may or may not come back to this subject later. For now, I hope God will help you to have/keep soft hearts so He may shape your will to His. It makes life seem so much better when your will matches God's...

I'm praying for you all! God bless!

Don't Be Afraid

If there has been any one message that God has been sending me recently, it's "DON'T BE AFRAID!" I did throw in that bible verse, Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." That was, ironically, a bible verse a friend of mine googled and randomly picked to send me to encourage me in a rough time I was/am going through. At first I'll admit I wondered why that one. It's almost like he somehow knew, without me having said something, that I was afraid of some stuff because of the whole situation. So, I couldn't figure out why it was included.
I went to a new youth group that night with a friend (ok, well, more like my non-biological sister :) ) and guess what the lesson was on? Fear. Coincidence? I think not.
Then, well, I started this blog earlier and left it open while I watched an X-Files (AWESOME show btw :D ). When I come back, I open FB out of instinct, and scroll down, stopping at a picture of a candle. What does it say on it? "Pslam 27:1 'The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?'"
If all those aren't crystal clear, I think I'd need a cloud sign like one of those ones that airplanes make for special occasions and high prices. God can't really be too much clearer than sending His words at you through every source imaginable, whether it be a friend (who sent it unknowngly because they were unaware it would mean so much to you), a Facebook post (seems silly but God uses everything for His Glory, Facebook included), to a random comment from your mother about not being afraid (on a topic that I may bring up in later blogs but I can't yet in this one....).
Even in the music I've been listening to, that message comes through. The funny thing is, I put my IPod on shuffle and just let it play. Most of the songs that came one were ones I'd listened to once or twice and forgotten about or just hadn't listened to in ages.
Basically, what I am saying is, God's teaching me to stand strong in Him. Once I put so much as an ounce of my faith anywhere else, my world falls down. Or, rather, not falls, because that suggests even an ounce of grace. It crashes. It crashes right down on top of me. And I am left sitting in a pile of rubble wondering where I went wrong.... until something like this happens. I finally clue in.

Right now, I won't say I am not having a rough time. That'd be a total lie. I am having a rough time. I feel like I spend half my day crying and the other half hiding the fact that I need to. Well, now it's less than half.... things are getting easier. Time will heal wounds. I know that. Being patient can just be hard sometimes. Yet, there are moments when I don't think I CAN wait, and then there are moments like now where I can sit down, smile and mean it, and just look at how blessed I am. Sure when I got home I did homework, but I had a computer to use and internet to use to help me. That was in the house I had to go home to. And my work is from the private school where I go. I had dinner because there was a meal on the table. I sat with my parents, cuddled my various pets (my guinea pig, my cat, and my dog) and watched an X-Files on Netflix. I AM SO BLESSED. I can say when I get hit with that perspective I feel like I act like a whiny infant otherwise.

Life is hard. Christianity I think makes it harder. However, it also makes it more worth it; FAR more worth it. It is a commitment, but it has reward. It has an ETERNAL reward.

So, DO NOT BE AFRAID! God has commanded us not to be. Personally I find it's incentive enough just to obey God, but, also, living a life out of fear sucks. When you learn to stop being afraid, you learn to really live. So, sorry if I come across as a total hypocrite. I know you can't just drop your fears and be free. I sturggle with my own fears. Some are realistic, some are, admittedly, stupid. I have decided, though, I am working towards overcoming them through Christ since that's the only way I can.

God bless! I am praying for you (in the general sense that I hope everyone who reads my blogs will gain at least one small thing from them for God's glory)!

Sundaaaayyyyy :)

Well, in case it's not evident, it's Sunday! :) (also, heads up, sorry, but this is a long post :P ) Can I start by just saying I LOVE Sundays! :) Sure school's tomorrow, but church is today! Woot! Yeah, call me crazy if you wish, but I get excited for church (that's not saying I wouldn't prefer if it was later so I could sleep innnnnn  :p ). I don't see why not to get excited! We have (by we I mean everyone, but it's recognized by christians) an AMAZING God. Like, words don't even start to describe/explain. Even the fact that He put SOOOO much on my mind out of one sermon today. I honestly sat down to blog and was like "Ok... now, I can't write a novel, so how the hay am I supposed to pick just ONE thing to blog about." Well, since it is my blog, and kind of supposed to, in a way, be about me, I kind of mostly settled on one thing.

The people who are reading this and know me know I've been having a bit of a rough time with some stuff going on. They also know that God's been really coming through clearly to me. It's almost like the harder things are for me, the more clearly I can hear God and what He's trying to say. So, recently, God's been coming through pretty clear. Even that fact that He sent along a really amazing friend (more like an additional sibling. And, if she's reading this, which she probs will, love ya' sis! <3 ) as well as a rather unexpected friend. I just want to say, they've both been an amazing help to me, whether they know it or not. When you're in a rough patch, it helps SOOOOO incredibly much just to know that there are people who care. I mean, sure we all "know" people care, but, it means so much more when they take the time to bother to show it, even if it's simply by asking if you're okay. I mean, time is precious. Once you lose it or spend it, you can't get it back. So, I would say certainly one of the most precious gifts you can give to someone, is your time. Getting back on track, though..... God's been amazing to me, recently. Most of the reason I'm having a rough time is because I tend to be able to forgive anyone without a second thought... anyone except myself. And I feel like I've been really messing up a lot recently. I can't seem to forgive myself for it. Fortunately, God has also been helping me to see that I need to forgive myself and I can, especially because He already has.

Yesterday, I went to get my bangs trimmed (they turned out a bit short for my liking but ah well XD ). I was NOT expecting to get a chance to witness to 3 women. I mean, how often, when you're getting your bangs trimmed, does your hairdresser inquire about your school, and upon finding out it's a Christian highschool, ask more about it. We had a really great discussion. As it turns out, the one lady is catholic. She has a daughter with dyslexia who began cutting because she was bullied so badly. So, she switched her out of her public highschool and into a catholic highschool. However, the problems continued. She is now, after out conversation, considering my highschool. I truly find it amazing how God can use normal circumstances to let us witness. Even, the fact that I'm not a preacher or anything. I'm a normal teen girl who has messed up loads and still makes stupid mistakes like she doesn't know any better. I'm not exactly an ideal person to use to witness. In fact, I tend to feel I don't deserve to have God use me for His plans. I wonder why he doesn't use someone "better" than me. Yet, I've realized, God uses people like me to prove that anyone can be orchestrated into His plan. You just need a real desire to work for Him as well as a love for Him, and He will bless you for it. Also, well, it's extremely encouraging to know that even when you are having trouble, you can still bless other people around you. :)

To sum it up, as the Relient K song Falling Out says (http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/relientk/fallingout.html) "I'm out, here way beyond: The shadow, of a doubt; But I know, I'm never falling out; Of favor with You". God will ALWAYS love us, no matter how much we mess up.

One last thought. DON'T BE AFRAID. If you're fearing, you're not truly trusting God. You can only really trust God and find a real peace when you decide not to fear anymore. Isaish 41:10 makes it pretty clear. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." You can't truly be the light God wants you to be until you learn not to hide your shine. :)

So, go on out there and shine! You're all amazinggggg and you'd better not forget it!
Untilll next time, God bless! (well, I hope God always blesses you but you get the point XD )

Well then...

... I have survived the first week back to school. It was rather hectic, but, well, it's over now. It was only four days, but it's funny how so little can change a person so much...
Recently, I've been changing a lot as a person. Mostly, I have been growing far more comfortable in who I am. After years of believe I had no value, you have no idea how freeing it is to begin to truly believe that I do. I know God has made me unique and has set aside a specifc task for me in this world. Currently, I have no clue what that is... but, well, that's ok. My school (being a Christian school) held a chapel today, as we do every Friday. Yet, this one was not so typical. Normally it's worhsip, some Student's Council games, or sometimes a guest speaker or teacher's lesson. This one seemed normal to start. My music teacher got up in front of a ppt. that had a picture of soap and simply said "this is a bar of soap". She then flipped through a bunch of very cool, very beautiful soap carvings done from a simple bar of soap. She explained to us we're like a bar of soap; we have everything we need for what we are to become inside us, and sometimes we just need to find it.
.... we were all given a chance to make soap carvings (and mine failed but that's besides the point). Even among just under 80 students there were so many different results as to what came out. That just really helped hit the lesson home. Even with the same bar of soap to begin, there were so many different results. We're a little like that, in that God sometimes needs to chip away at and reshape us a bit to help us find the person inside that we are meant to be. However, it also made me realize that if there were that many results, and that much beauty from one type of bar, imagine the diversity and beauty from billions of different people. Sometimes you have to look at the little things to find beauty, and that helps you see the real beauty in the bigger things. We have a God out there who cares enough for each one of us to make sure that when we let Him shape us, we are all shaped into who He wants us to be. He makes billions of 'sculptures" out of us all. Perhaps the best part is, He loves us enough to be careful, but he knows that even if things might seem out of place for a time, in the end they make a more beautiful picture... and God doesn't make mistakes.
Going back to what I said before, I have been changing recently. I have seen the difference in myself, and others have pointed it out to me as well. It definetly seems to be a change for the better. The thing is, once I've started changing the "surface issues" (not talking about appearnce, but talking about very clear problems that could easily be identified), I've been seeing bigger ones beneath. It's like when you start digging up a grave, expecting to find one skeleton, and once you dig it out, you find more beneath. It's dissapointing when you think your job is done and discover it's not, and it's also a lot harder to dig deeper. Basically, what I'm saying is I decided a short while ago, I am changing those parts of me. I know that with God's help I can change for the better, and to His will (which is obvs for the better). It's not exactly easy, though. I have to give all of me over.... and that's hard. It's like being a puppet that hands it's own strings over. The only thing is, I know when I can hand them to God, He will put on a far better play then I could have... though really I never could have while holding my own strings. And, for a while, I saw that I had begun giving away my strings... but to the wrong people. I've decided I am taking them back - and giving them to God. It's rough... even just seeing that side of me... it's hard to face friends, or family. They are close to you and can hurt you far more easily than a stranger. Then when you're forced to face yourself, well, you know all your own strengths but also all your own weaknesses, making it that much harder. Yet, well, when you want that change desperately enough, and you KNOW God will bring you out okay at the other end, it's far easier. You become the bar of soap. God's the one carving you. You know He'll cut some stuff off, shave some stuff down, and maybe stick a little bit back on, but you also know that however you come out in the end will be better than how you went in.
So, basically, sorry if I come across as dramatic. It's not my intention. If I wanted to be dramatic, I'd be putting this on Facebook or something where everyone can see it. This is just my way of voicing my thoughts on what's going on, and for me currently, this is what's going on. I've made up my mind to change... and I am starting to try. It's rough but I am done being who I was and ready to let God use me and shape me and be a light for Him. I really hope He will choose me for the honor of working in this world for His glory....
For now, that's all, really. I have a few more thoughts, but, I may post them in another post (if I don't forget before then....) Thanks for reading! I know it's lengthy... sorry :p
-God bless!
P.S. Don't forget. You're like that bar of soap. If you feel there's something wrong with who you are, maybe you're just not finished yet. :)

So, to begin...

... I'm one of those people who has an opinion about everything. Typically that's meant in a bad way; I do know that. I mean it in the sense that I am the type of person who will debate almost anything will almost anyone. I also just do a lot of thinking randomly on my own sometimes. I tend to sometimes just write stuff down and then get rid of it. However, I've decided now to start recording my thoughts on random stuff (like, literally, whatever I feel like writing about whenever I feel like writing about it) on here. I may also sometimes post poetry I've written, simply so it doesn't just sit on my computer and take up space.

So, currently, I'll just say; yes, I know this is a weird blog title. I like it though. It has significance to me. Essentially my life - particularily recently -has shown me that there truly are a LOT of ups and downs . We all have our moments where we are so happy we want to scream, so angry we want to hit something, or so upset we feel like our heart is ripping in two. Well, I know it seems random to think of stones for this but emeralds came to mind for a very specific reason. So, using emeralds, I finished my comparison for a title. Life is work; it is simply the truth that we have to work to keep going. So, let's say it was like mining. If you mine all day and find emeralds, you'd be pretty happy. Yet, if you worked all day and found stones, you'd be upset. Why waste the effort for bad results? There's no point. In life we work to live. Some days are like our emeralds days; we have a great day, our smile can't be wiped off our face, and the world is a good place. Other days are our stone days; we are hurting, whether angry or sad, and we just want to get past it and get back to a place where life is good and worth living again. That's why I call it "Emeralds and Stones"; because the way I see it, life has it's 'emeralds' and it's 'stones' and I've been really seeing that. Again, I won't say why emeralds, and not rubies, or diamonds, or some other stone; essentially, it just has a significance to me.

Well, I shall have to be off of here shortly, and I'd rather not launch into a new topic and not be able to proplery conclude. So, that shall be it for now. I may return later though because, well, today WAS the second day of school. So, there might be some updates about that. :p
For now, though.... Hope I didn't bore you too much :p God bless!!!!!!