So, if you have me on Facebook, you saw me post this as a status earlier. "____(my name) needs to stop taking home lost puppies... she's not sure how many more she can handle before she can't handle another, no matter how brilliant the next one would have been... it would be nice to instead be found."
Yes, it means something, and no I don't mean literal puppies (I've already got a dog and a cat - my mom would never let me bring a third pet under the roof).
See, I just overall have boy problems. Yes, I realize that makes me sound like a typical or even whiny teen girl. However, I mean it.
I swear off boys/dating for a year and alllllll of a sudden, some are interested. One being one of my exes. Summed up, AWKWARD!
And, well, those interested are all damaged in their own way. And I just have this thing for damaged people, or, as I refer to them sometimes, lost puppies. I just feel the need to be there for them, and love them. And I find if they spur something romantic from their end I tend to end up following, because how could I do more damage to someone already so damaged, right? Right. Well, that's my problem.
I seem to lack the instinct of self-preservation that is bred into most people. I would rather allow myself to hurt if it means they don't than I would come out of it unscathed while leaving them in ruins. I will almost always put them over me. To the point where I think I may be my own undoing.
I just have problems with saying no. It's almost gotten me into trouble before. I'm sure it probably easily will again. I just need to learn to say no.
I just need to learn to say no...
I am praying to learn to say no...
And until I can say no, please let the questions stop coming...
Otherwise, what if I answer wrong?
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Cracked, not Broken
Would it make sense if I said I was cracked but not broken?
Because that’s precisely what I am.
Though anything I try and keep inside of me is bound to leak out against my say, it can’t rush out as if there was nothing holding it back.
I used to be broken. I was wholly vulnerable at the same time.
Now I am merely cracked.
The pieces have been put back together with a delicate touch and though I am only so much pressure from collapsing, I haven’t collapsed just yet
Which is because although I am cracked, I am no longer broken
Since hearing it used as an adjective for a person in a tv show I love using the word “cracked” to describe myself. I guess that at least in my own eyes, I am cracked. I used to be broken. God is the reason I am now merely cracked. That’s not meant to insult God by suggesting He’s not good enough to fix me entirely. Put it this way, though – what good is a light in a pot if the pot has no cracks or holes to let the light through? None. See, I need my cracks to shine where God wants me to for Him.
As much as those cracks let me shine, though, they’re still damage. I’m still damaged. I’m far from perfect. Oftentimes I look at all my cracks and choose which one is the biggest, blaming it as the reason for some peoples’ dislike of me. However, then I often think that perhaps perfection would be worse – as humans do we not envy that which is “better”? I think I would rather be the receptor of hate than envy, as neither is Godly but perhaps I feel that hate is more easily fixed.
Lately, I have been feeling those cracks very tangibly. It’s the dark circles under my eyes, the poison that gushes from my mouth, or the brief attacks of anger that have gnawed at my heart. My heart which, it seems, beats blood one moment and acid the next. There doesn’t seem to be any happy medium between love and hate, so I have learned. Too much over the balance will result in a full-scale shift. Recently, that is what has continued to happen. It runs the title hypocrite through my veins and I hate it.
But I learned something. Cracked is beautiful. Sometimes cracked is more beautiful than the perceived ideas of perfection. Cracked is real, with personality, with an openness that does not allow so much to be hidden. Perfect is false, the same as everything else and lacking and individuality which we all so secretly desperately seek – to beset apart - and with such strong, firm walls and structure that even the darkest secrets can be easily hidden in its depths.
I guess what I mean is I am not perfect. My cracks are all the more evidence of that when I am put under pressure. Those are the times they push to pull apart and collapse. Those are the times when God alone keeps me together. But, when I really look at it and be honest, if I had the choice between cracked or perfect, I would pick cracked every time.
~ Emma
P.S. So it's finally snowing. The one thing is, I REALLY wanted a snow day. Since I didn't get one, but I still managed to get out the door and to school, I figured this shirt was appropriate.
Because that’s precisely what I am.
Though anything I try and keep inside of me is bound to leak out against my say, it can’t rush out as if there was nothing holding it back.
I used to be broken. I was wholly vulnerable at the same time.
Now I am merely cracked.
The pieces have been put back together with a delicate touch and though I am only so much pressure from collapsing, I haven’t collapsed just yet
Which is because although I am cracked, I am no longer broken
Since hearing it used as an adjective for a person in a tv show I love using the word “cracked” to describe myself. I guess that at least in my own eyes, I am cracked. I used to be broken. God is the reason I am now merely cracked. That’s not meant to insult God by suggesting He’s not good enough to fix me entirely. Put it this way, though – what good is a light in a pot if the pot has no cracks or holes to let the light through? None. See, I need my cracks to shine where God wants me to for Him.
As much as those cracks let me shine, though, they’re still damage. I’m still damaged. I’m far from perfect. Oftentimes I look at all my cracks and choose which one is the biggest, blaming it as the reason for some peoples’ dislike of me. However, then I often think that perhaps perfection would be worse – as humans do we not envy that which is “better”? I think I would rather be the receptor of hate than envy, as neither is Godly but perhaps I feel that hate is more easily fixed.
Lately, I have been feeling those cracks very tangibly. It’s the dark circles under my eyes, the poison that gushes from my mouth, or the brief attacks of anger that have gnawed at my heart. My heart which, it seems, beats blood one moment and acid the next. There doesn’t seem to be any happy medium between love and hate, so I have learned. Too much over the balance will result in a full-scale shift. Recently, that is what has continued to happen. It runs the title hypocrite through my veins and I hate it.
But I learned something. Cracked is beautiful. Sometimes cracked is more beautiful than the perceived ideas of perfection. Cracked is real, with personality, with an openness that does not allow so much to be hidden. Perfect is false, the same as everything else and lacking and individuality which we all so secretly desperately seek – to beset apart - and with such strong, firm walls and structure that even the darkest secrets can be easily hidden in its depths.
I guess what I mean is I am not perfect. My cracks are all the more evidence of that when I am put under pressure. Those are the times they push to pull apart and collapse. Those are the times when God alone keeps me together. But, when I really look at it and be honest, if I had the choice between cracked or perfect, I would pick cracked every time.
~ Emma
P.S. So it's finally snowing. The one thing is, I REALLY wanted a snow day. Since I didn't get one, but I still managed to get out the door and to school, I figured this shirt was appropriate.
 |
| It says "Achievement Unlocked : Left the house" |
Monday, 28 October 2013
Baggy Sweater Days
Yes, that's how I will title my return post. I recently realized I won't commit to a regular posting on this blog, but blogging helps me sift through the grains of sand that beach my mind, so that I may pick through it and make sense of it.
I will also warn you that YES I am a Christian. But YES I am also a human being. This means my blog may reflect elements of my own human nature and sin, although I will always try and glorify God at the end of it. So, if you can't handle a far-from-perfect Christian and her thoughts on life, I suggest you don't continue to read this blog in future.
So today was a baggy sweater day. It was a Monday morning. After a long-weekend. Sounds like it'd be fine, but I have managed to once again overcommit myself to things and end up very overwhelmed. I additionally am one of those people who just has responsibilities dumped on them like slop on pigs - the difference being the pigs are happy about the slop and I am often just stressed by the responsibilities. I had a lovely cry-fest about it all on Sunday afternoon. Then I had to get up after not being able to sleep (that's what happens when I get emotional - that's why I'm here blogging now - to vent so I feel better). Then I had about a million and one things to remember. So when I knew it was coming, I put on the biggest, softest, baggiest sweater I own and wore that. It was a baggy sweater day. I needed to wear something that I could just be warm, comfy, cozy, and safe in. Something like a baggy sweater. And it was a new one. So it hadn't had all that beautiful new-sweater-fuzz washed off yet so it was super soft.
Now, it started as a baggy sweater day. However, I came out of it head high and sleeves rolled up. Smile on my face and I couldn't stop chatting about how things had fallen beautifully into place in a lot of stuff I've got going on. It really ended up being a good day. God just snapped in some puzzle pieces I had managed to lose, and now I'm starting to see things come together. I am so thankful to Him for that.
So, I should be off now. I feel much better now that I have outputted some of my thoughts here - where I can return to them later to expand on further if I wish - and should get some sleep. Big physics test tomorrow and a lot of small tasks I gotta' remember to do - they all add up fast!
God bless you all!
PS. Baggy sweater pic - for anyone who was wondering.
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I will also warn you that YES I am a Christian. But YES I am also a human being. This means my blog may reflect elements of my own human nature and sin, although I will always try and glorify God at the end of it. So, if you can't handle a far-from-perfect Christian and her thoughts on life, I suggest you don't continue to read this blog in future.
So today was a baggy sweater day. It was a Monday morning. After a long-weekend. Sounds like it'd be fine, but I have managed to once again overcommit myself to things and end up very overwhelmed. I additionally am one of those people who just has responsibilities dumped on them like slop on pigs - the difference being the pigs are happy about the slop and I am often just stressed by the responsibilities. I had a lovely cry-fest about it all on Sunday afternoon. Then I had to get up after not being able to sleep (that's what happens when I get emotional - that's why I'm here blogging now - to vent so I feel better). Then I had about a million and one things to remember. So when I knew it was coming, I put on the biggest, softest, baggiest sweater I own and wore that. It was a baggy sweater day. I needed to wear something that I could just be warm, comfy, cozy, and safe in. Something like a baggy sweater. And it was a new one. So it hadn't had all that beautiful new-sweater-fuzz washed off yet so it was super soft.
Now, it started as a baggy sweater day. However, I came out of it head high and sleeves rolled up. Smile on my face and I couldn't stop chatting about how things had fallen beautifully into place in a lot of stuff I've got going on. It really ended up being a good day. God just snapped in some puzzle pieces I had managed to lose, and now I'm starting to see things come together. I am so thankful to Him for that.
So, I should be off now. I feel much better now that I have outputted some of my thoughts here - where I can return to them later to expand on further if I wish - and should get some sleep. Big physics test tomorrow and a lot of small tasks I gotta' remember to do - they all add up fast!
God bless you all!
PS. Baggy sweater pic - for anyone who was wondering.
.jpg)
Friday, 12 April 2013
So it Really Has Been a While...
I always say I'm gonna' start using this blog again, and then I tend to forget about it or life gets busy and I just stop posting for a long time. So I won't even make a guarantee I'm gonna' start regularly posting. I'm just hoping to. I've realized I like having a quick and easy way to look back at my life in the last while. It helps me see how I'm doing and how far I've come.
What I post will be personal stuff, me rambling, maybe stuff about boys sometimes (I really can't help that I'm a teenage girl, okay?), writing if I feel like putting it on here, or whatever else I just happen to want to put up in a place where I'll feel safe and not judged posting it. Mind you, I feel like before I stopped using this for a while I gave the URL to some people I'll just hope have forgotten about it.
Life recently? Trying to focus it on God. I do a regular daily Bible study (blogged at http://theeternalpath.blogspot.com), I'm attending a weekly study on the book of James, and I'm also undertaking Beth Moore's study on Daniel.
Boys are as confusing as ever. I'm really just beginning to think I honestly won't find who I'm meant for for a while yet. Or if I've found them, then not realize it for a while. I don't know. I still find myself being shocked to find I have feelings for people, because I'm trying really hard not to. It just sort of seems, though, that I've lost the off switch for the "romantic feelings" section of my heart...
Also, well, I'm trying to figure out a lot about the future. University, money for a car to commute, job in future, etc. Right now, well, I'm no even fairly certain jobwise. Honestly, I'm thinking of a pastor... I know not all denominations are cool with that, but some are. Plus, I'm still trying to figure out where God's pointing me. Other idea that's up there is Christian Psychologist. I realized, though, you're not supposed to get attached to patients, and I get easily attached. I doubt I could just sit there expressionless as they sat and cried their hearts out.
So, I'm really just uncertain of the future. I'm also putting it off. I like focusing on day-to-day things, as if leaving the future alone will mean it will sort itself out. It's silly of me, but it's what I fall back to none-the-less.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm trying. I'm trying to just be who God's planned for me to. It's hard, though, to hear His voice sometimes, even when you're listening. Sometimes He also just tells us to wait, too, in which case even if we listen He won't speak. So I'm just taking things a day at a time. The future is always in mind, but my priority is my relationship with God. The closer I am to Him, the farther I feel from everything else, but the more everything else falls into place.
So, that's my 3am spiel for the moment. Now I should be getting some sleep, though... So goodnight and God bless to anyone reading this!
What I post will be personal stuff, me rambling, maybe stuff about boys sometimes (I really can't help that I'm a teenage girl, okay?), writing if I feel like putting it on here, or whatever else I just happen to want to put up in a place where I'll feel safe and not judged posting it. Mind you, I feel like before I stopped using this for a while I gave the URL to some people I'll just hope have forgotten about it.
Life recently? Trying to focus it on God. I do a regular daily Bible study (blogged at http://theeternalpath.blogspot.com), I'm attending a weekly study on the book of James, and I'm also undertaking Beth Moore's study on Daniel.
Boys are as confusing as ever. I'm really just beginning to think I honestly won't find who I'm meant for for a while yet. Or if I've found them, then not realize it for a while. I don't know. I still find myself being shocked to find I have feelings for people, because I'm trying really hard not to. It just sort of seems, though, that I've lost the off switch for the "romantic feelings" section of my heart...
Also, well, I'm trying to figure out a lot about the future. University, money for a car to commute, job in future, etc. Right now, well, I'm no even fairly certain jobwise. Honestly, I'm thinking of a pastor... I know not all denominations are cool with that, but some are. Plus, I'm still trying to figure out where God's pointing me. Other idea that's up there is Christian Psychologist. I realized, though, you're not supposed to get attached to patients, and I get easily attached. I doubt I could just sit there expressionless as they sat and cried their hearts out.
So, I'm really just uncertain of the future. I'm also putting it off. I like focusing on day-to-day things, as if leaving the future alone will mean it will sort itself out. It's silly of me, but it's what I fall back to none-the-less.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm trying. I'm trying to just be who God's planned for me to. It's hard, though, to hear His voice sometimes, even when you're listening. Sometimes He also just tells us to wait, too, in which case even if we listen He won't speak. So I'm just taking things a day at a time. The future is always in mind, but my priority is my relationship with God. The closer I am to Him, the farther I feel from everything else, but the more everything else falls into place.
So, that's my 3am spiel for the moment. Now I should be getting some sleep, though... So goodnight and God bless to anyone reading this!
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Well Hello Again
So, uh, yeah I haven't been on in months. Really quite unfortunate as I find I can function better when I vent out my thoughts somewhere instead of keeping them bottled inside. I know I shall be on this site more as I am using my other blog (found here: http://theeternalpath.blogspot.ca/ ) to blog about my reading the Bible in 365 days. So, I shall most likely be updating this one sometimes.
For now, though, all I can say is yes, I get hurt sometimes and frustrating, upsetting, or painful stuff happens in my life, though I find the things that keep me up at night are not my struggles, but those of the ones I love and care about. I hurt to see them hurting and it pains me to be unable to help them or fix it and make their pain stop. I think that totally honestly I would take it off their shoulders and put it on mine if I could... I can't stand seeing them hurting - I'd rather I hurt instead. I know it would be painful, but I would be able to more easily deal with it just by seeing them not hurting. Sometimes I really wish there were an option. "Take it or leave it". I honestly would like to think, though truly do at most times believe, I would choose to take it...
Also, as a final note, sometimes I'm just overcome with those moments when you realize how truly incredible God is, how He loves you, and you suddenly feel at peace and, in fact, happy. One of those times hit me earlier - right after I started legitimately getting back into reading my Bible. I'm a reader, but I'll admit I don't tend to be thrilled about picking up the Bible. That, however, has - thank goodness - been starting to change. I got a really awesome study Bible (quick shout-out to my amazing mother who got it for me) and it definetly helps. It has really neat little notes that not only describe meanings and context or whatnot, but also take it to another level and apply it to everyday life nowadays. Now, I am an overthinker, so I tend to sit down and mull for ages over these little points. Thing is, it's still all directing my thought path back to God every time, and I would say that is certainly why I feel 95% better just from reading a few chapters. :)
Well, that is all for tonight!
God bless you! :D
For now, though, all I can say is yes, I get hurt sometimes and frustrating, upsetting, or painful stuff happens in my life, though I find the things that keep me up at night are not my struggles, but those of the ones I love and care about. I hurt to see them hurting and it pains me to be unable to help them or fix it and make their pain stop. I think that totally honestly I would take it off their shoulders and put it on mine if I could... I can't stand seeing them hurting - I'd rather I hurt instead. I know it would be painful, but I would be able to more easily deal with it just by seeing them not hurting. Sometimes I really wish there were an option. "Take it or leave it". I honestly would like to think, though truly do at most times believe, I would choose to take it...
Also, as a final note, sometimes I'm just overcome with those moments when you realize how truly incredible God is, how He loves you, and you suddenly feel at peace and, in fact, happy. One of those times hit me earlier - right after I started legitimately getting back into reading my Bible. I'm a reader, but I'll admit I don't tend to be thrilled about picking up the Bible. That, however, has - thank goodness - been starting to change. I got a really awesome study Bible (quick shout-out to my amazing mother who got it for me) and it definetly helps. It has really neat little notes that not only describe meanings and context or whatnot, but also take it to another level and apply it to everyday life nowadays. Now, I am an overthinker, so I tend to sit down and mull for ages over these little points. Thing is, it's still all directing my thought path back to God every time, and I would say that is certainly why I feel 95% better just from reading a few chapters. :)
Well, that is all for tonight!
God bless you! :D
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