Well, it's been a while. XD

Soooo it's kind of been a while... life has been kind of crazy.
Like, life is worth living entirely, but it's exhausting. Especially when so much effort is put into finally ending some things. I kind of feel like my life has been a rollercoaster; literally. Little jam-packed sessions of action and then times where I have way too much time on my hands. Like a rollercoaster it's been flipping from crazy to pretty well not moving so it seems.

The last... well two months... I spent a lot of them crying. More than I'd like to admit. Summed up short, a breakup. Yeah I broke up with the guy (don't judge please) but that I feel is almost worse bc you have to hurt a person you never wanted to. And I am happy to say that I think I've finally reached a state where I can put that all behind me and move on. Although, okay, honestly started moving on a little while ago because majorly confused over might be feelings for a guy...

On top of that, well, there's school. Always school. I've felt a LOT of pressure in school. See, my family is NOT the best off financially. At all. So for me to go to University for what I want, I kind of need a scholarship.... and (honestly not trying ot brag) I'm quite used to low or mid 90s with little to no effort. But, we got a new teacher (former one is on mat. leave) for chem and math (basically the two most important subjects for forensic science). She's a lovely lady but I have trouble learning from how she teaches and so my marks in those subjects' marks have dropped and it was really stressing me out for a bit(yeah I know they don't look at grade eleven marks but if you don't understand grade 11 subjects how are you supposed to understand grade 12 ones? XD ). :$ I eventually broke down about it to my mom and she said it was fine; she assured me she knows I am trying my best and we can work it out if it jeopardizes my average.
But, well, okay... today, for no apparent reason as to why today, I kind of finally felt some peace about it all. Like, I had a really nice conversation with a friend on Fri night about this sort of stuff. And he kept telling me not to worry about it; it's in God's hands. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and Matthew 6: 25-34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
MAJOR help right there. Bc I know these verses, but sometimes just need to hear them again to clue in to them XD
So, well, yeah... God's just been amazing. He hasn't left my side through any of this. I am so undeserving, but He sees me trying and comes to help me... so thankful for Him, <3

Well, that's all for today! God bless! -Emma

P.S. Random, but, well, recentlyI've started praying for the guy I am gonna' marry. Laugh if you will but I think it's a good idea to pray for the person you're gonna' marry. God has a plan but the Devil is always trying to screw it up. So pray for that person, whoever they are, the God will protect them for you and bring them to you/(or you to them) in His perfect timing. Also, praying for them certainly makes them feel more real... makes you really believe that they are actually out there and you're not literally "forever alone".

October! :D

HAPPY OCTOBER! :D

Yeah, so I kind of love October, in case that wasn't clear. The artsy side gets the best of me and so I adore the fall colors. Also, I love the temperature. It's not too hot or cold; just comfortable. However, probs my top reason; IT HAS MY BIRTHDAY! :D Yeuuupp! 30 days til Halloweeeeeeen! :D And, this year, it's my Sweet Sixteen! :D

But, well, the fact it's October is only part of the reason I am in such a gosh-darned good mood. Some other small contributors are things like I have no homework, my Doctor Who epsideos SHOULD be on the way soon, I am going out to dinner with my fam tonight, and I feel pretty confident about my two upcoming tests at school.

Biggest reason for my being happy, though: G. O. D. Yeup :) God <3 Just saying, He has made my life SO amazing. And, well, recently I have been REALLY trying to go further in my faith, and God is definetly meeting me on that! :D I have seen some super cool stuff going on, recently. Probably the biggest one of these, is that fact that there's a guy who I have known since, like, kindergarten, He's pretty darned awesome. Like, smart, funny, has awesome music and movie tastes, and well I could go on for a while about him. I know that sounds SUPER weird, but, yeah, he's like a brother to me. (haha say fam-zoned if you want but he has a girlfriend he's been with for about 2 and 1/2 years who he's super happy with so don't go getting any wrong ideas about him and I haha :P ). But, to the point; he's an atheist. And, well, since I left that school where we went together, I have been hoping and praying he'll convert (no pressure since I know you're reading this lol :). A few Sundays ago at church, we spent some time individually just praying for unsaved people we know. I WAS BAWLING MY EYES OUT IN MINUTES. There are SO many people I want so badly to be saved. I mean, badly enough that, well, if I could give my life for them to believe, I would. Now, this guy got into 3SN (AMAZING CHANNEL ON LIFE FROM SAT AT 9PM til SUNDAY AT 2AM :D BE WARNED IT IS ALL HARDCORE/AMAZING MUSIC :P ) the night before that service. It's a Christian station, so, well, even that thrilled me. Then, this weekend I invited him to try out my youth group; I'll be honest I was expecting a "Uh, no... sorry... too weird..." and instead, I got a maybe :D Sure it's not a yes, but well, it's better than no. I honestly wanted to go dance around my room (I didn't for the record lol :P ). So, well, now I'm praying God will let it fall into place that he can come (again, since I know you're reading this, no pressure ;)  ).

That's just one of a few ways I've seen God working in the lives of people around me. All of it has me T.H.R.I.L.L.E.D! :D

Also, as a note, in the first time for a LONG time, today is the first day I've been feeling truly at peace about some stuff that's been going on in my life (mainllyyyyy guys....).

Well, I have to go (school is over soon and I have to get offffff and pack upppp)! And I was gonna' do this later but I am out tonight to celebrate my cousin's birthday! :D

So, I'm praying for you all! Maybe God will use these blogs for His glory in your life. :)

God bless!

"Move in Me"

So, well, I literally just had a random urge to sit down and write earlier. Just, taking a break from my bio project, and I suddenly started having song lyrics come to mind... Here's what this produced. I hope you enjoy! Constructive criticism would be helpful! :) And sorry for the spacing problems at some points. I copied and pasted it from Word and I can't seem to get rid of it even though it's single-spaced on Word. XD

"Move in Me"

 

(Verse 1)

Lord take my heart

 

And take my mind

It seems that I

Cannot decide

To just give it all to you

Though my heart’s tearin’ in two

There’s just something it seems that I lack

To stop myself from taking this all back

 

(Chorus)

Lord move in me

I just want this world to see

Lives can be changed

You can heal the deepest pains

You take each man

And hold him in Your hand

On our own, when we just, can’t get through

I want them to know to turn to You

 

(Verse 2)

Lord take this life

And set it all on fire

I want my name

To be on a funeral pyre

That I might die to myself

Since I know I can’t be without

Your light living in me shining through

And this one body just can’t hold two

 

~Chorus~

 

(Bridge)

So my head to my feet and everything between

Lord I ask that you please, would come and move in me

For I am broken, but you make all things new

And through the cracks in me, I will let your light shine through

 

~Chorus~

 

So, yeah, if you've seen in some of my earlier posts, right now, I literally just want God to come and use my life for Him. If He can use me for his glory, I don't want any credit, but I would be SO incredibly happy! :D

 

That's all for now! God bless!



Life and Writing Songs

Well, I haven't posted since the 16th.... or, Sunday..... not as an excuse, but as a reason; double-module ILC week. I JUST finished and it was due by midnight tonight. So, relaxing a bit now... even though I found out next week coming up is gonna' be another double week...  But, well, I got through this one I am sure I can survive the next... XD

So, well, I've been doing a LOT of thinking lately about a LOT of topics. Now, for me, one way I tend to process my thoughts is by writing poetry/song lyrics. So, well, I was in a really amazing place spiritually this weekend, and, right now, I can NOT get enough of God... Like, I go to a Christian school, two youth groups, and church... the only day I am without Him in some area being taught about him is Saturday. So, I have decided Saturday will be my work day. I will do ALL (or as much as I can out of all) my work on Saturdays. This way, I can focus on God on Sunday. Also, I have been having trouble keeping my thoughts on God... instead I find them straying to other things such as stressing over school, the latest videogame, boys, etc. I am right now trying to get my heart and brain back check following God wholly and keep them there. It's hard. But, well, here's a song I wrote to do with it (a few lines are off, even if I still like ther version, because I wrote it on the bus this morning and it seems to have jumped out of my pocket between then and now... XD ). I am certain it has FAR more significance to me, because I know what each small detail means, since I also know what it is based on... but, well, I hope you enjoy. (also, I know it seems it doesn't fully rhyme properly, but it does how I sing it, and it was written to be a song, so, yeah...)

Live For You Alone Completely



She chokes down tears and swallows down fears

She doesn't even know the words she needs to hear

Maybe a simple "I love you" could turn her world around

But for now she sits - her tearstained face turned to the ground

 

He knows her shoes just all to well for him

He feels like his world has just stopped, crashing in

And yet, though they are both many miles away

They are both crying out the same thing to You today

 

(Chorus)

I wanna' live for You alone completely

Not afraid or ashamed to wear my heart on my sleeve

With a cross 'round my neck; imaginary halo overhead

I wanna' be walking, oh, both living and yet dead

 

She smiles to hide the pain that she feels inside

 To keep up the act of her lies of "No, I'm fine."

But she wonders if she'll make it through this week

Her life seem to be dull, so sad, so bleak

 

He cries because he sits and knows she's lost

Though they used to be in love, or so they thought

But now he kneels for if he stood he'd surely fall

And they both cry out to the Lord of all

 

-Chorus-

 

(Bridge)

I give you my heart; all of the broken pieces

I give you my desires take my dreams and wishes

I give you my life that You'll use it for your name

And I ask that in this moment you will grow me through this pain

-Chorus-

The End

 

Well, yeah... that's about it... some of you will better understand than others what this means to me and what it's about... but I hope you like. Now if I could only write guitar chords or piano music for it... XD

For now, I'm out. Bedtime because I am exhausted from a rather long week.

God bless!!!!!!!!



Words cannot say... (and also guys...)

If you know me, you probably saw my Facebook status from earlier... I shall copy and paste it just for everyone's sake, though.
"Honestly, she has no words that can say what she wants to express. Our God is just such an AMAZING God. ♥ People say it a lot, but that's because that is the best we can do to try and do Him justice. Really, though, that does not even begin to do Him any justice. He has given us life; no strings attached. We can never pay Him back for it, but we can give our lives to Him and let them be for Him....

Starting right here, and right now, she is committing to do her best to live every moment from here on in for God, without whom she wouldn't have a life to live. Yes, she's been a Christian for a while - it's not like this is a new thing or any of her commitment before was false - but she's taking this commitment to a new level. This is going on Facebook as a public proclamation so that you all know this and can help hold her to this. Don't be lukewarm for God; be hot or cold (Revelation 3:16). She wants to be on fire and burning up... ♥"

Well, that's said most of what I wanted to put on here anyways, haha. (and yes, the "she" my status speaks of is me)

 

One area of my life I am particularily deciding is going to God is boys. I've gotten to a point where I am just not gonna' look for the right guy anymore, and trust that God will send him to me. Even, I have decided never again am I telling a guy my feelings first. If a guy thinks I'm worth it, he'll talk to me first...
Also, I have decided on a clear sign in terms of if I know God wants me and the person to be together. I have told two people to hold me accountable to sitcking to that. That way, I can't change for my heart if it falls out of alignment with what God wants.

 

Recently, I realized something... I don't think I'm going to fall for a guy right off the bat... I will probably end up loving God in them before I start to fall for them..... and honestly I would love to have the same happen for me. I would love for a guy to fall for God in me before he falls for me.... Plus, even then that would show me that if he loved me for God in me, he really loves God.

 

I've actually recently really been learning what I want in guys. I haven't written down a concrete list... in that case I think I'd follow it too closely... but I know better now what I want in my future husband... which is important because you date in the intention of marriage, really, since when you date you break up or get married. If you plan on breaking up, well, don't date obviously, and if you/they/both of you don't agree you're gonna' get married, end things before you become more attached.

Anyways, that was slightly off topic from what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say ties in with wanting a guy who is on fire for God. In church today, while we took up offering, the worship team kept playing. There were two young guys/men (my age/a year or two older) on the team and they were really worshipping with all they are; you could see it by looking at them. My mom randomly leans over and whispers to me something along the lines of "I see those young men up there worshipping with all their hearts... and I know God has a guy like that for you." I am not ashamed to say I honestly broke down crying. Recently, I've had a LOT of trouble beleiveing God has a guy for me. After one relationship I ended I thought I'd blown my only chance. I know better now. I am trusting God to send along the right guy at the right time. A guy who will love God more than me and understand that I will always love God more than anyone in my life (even if it's because he is in the same shoes). I'll admit my heart's still like "the sooner the better, God! I want to really know this guy well before I marry him!" but I am trusting. I can't wait 'til that guy finds me, and, in his being on fire for God, helps me to be more so!

 

For now, I honestly am in a majorly and incurably good mood. ☺My life is now for God alone. ♥

My message to you all, from a song; SHINE LIKE THE STARS! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ru80tKwCLcg

God bless! ♥

Soften Your Heart/Crossroads

Yesterday was my youth group's kick-off. It made me SO glad that we didn't have game and a BBQ or anything (nothing against youths who do, though), but we had a lesson like any other youth night (well, except we got sundaes at the end, too :D ). And can I just say, I NEEDED that lesson. Like, I was walking a knife's edge and it is keeping me on balance so I can reach the end. The whole lesson was about how we need to make sure we have soft hearts, not hard hearts, and how we can soften them.

For about the last month, I have honestly had such a hard heart towards God. I have been trying to soften it recently, but I can say it really helps to have bible verses and notes from a youth group to look at when I start to slip again. Also, I am just SO thankful that God doesn't turn His back on me when I turn my back on Him. If He did, I don't even know that I'd be here today (I did come close to suicide before in my past and God was the only reason I didn't go through with it, but that's a story for a different post).

Psalm 73 was what we studied (here's a link to it if you want http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2073&version=NIV1984) This is a passage written by Asaph. He starts of whining a bit. As he goes on, he gets more and more extreme until he says, in verses 12-14 "This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth. ¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning." That becomes just a little extreme. The funny thing is, right after this, he suddenly clues in to what he's saying and begins to turn around in his opinion, saying "When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you. ²³ Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.²⁴ You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I don't think it can get much clearer than those last verses. Especially verse 23. "Yet I am ALWAYS with you; you hold me by my right hand." God is ALWAYS with us. Sometimes we all feel alone, especially during times where we feel we need someone to rely on. I hardened my heart a lot, but looking at that helped me reach that same point as Asaph did. I suddenly sat back and realized how blessed I am even just to have life. So, my heart is softening, and I am just left praying that God will shape my will to His for me.

I've kind of felt my life is coming to a bit of a turning point, or a crossroad. I've seen myself growing up and am finally acknowledging it. I've realized I am becoming more indepenent, but with that comes responsibility. Some of this includes my faith. Now it's my choice where I go with my faith; I won't just be sent to Sunday School or youth group like the "good little church girl" my parents want me to be. Now I can be a mature (I hope) Christian out of my own choosing. I am taking a step into trying to become more involved in youth and church. Before it was more like I'd go when I could make it easily or at all. Now I have decided I am going to try my best to attend two youth groups a week as well as church. I've also realized my blogs tend to be about God. I love that. I am making it my goal to include at least one bible verse in each blog. That gets me more into the word, and I have trouble sitting down and just reading the Bible, but blogging helps me get into it far more easily.

Basically, I have hit that point where my faith is now my choice. I have to act on it and try for it if I want to further in it. I am making the choice to try my best. I certainly feel like I am being "attacked" by the devil, but as people tend to forget, we are always attacked before we are blessed. That is what I am clinging to; the promises of a blessing for all this.

Well, that's all I feel like putting for now. I may or may not come back to this subject later. For now, I hope God will help you to have/keep soft hearts so He may shape your will to His. It makes life seem so much better when your will matches God's...

I'm praying for you all! God bless!

Don't Be Afraid

If there has been any one message that God has been sending me recently, it's "DON'T BE AFRAID!" I did throw in that bible verse, Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." That was, ironically, a bible verse a friend of mine googled and randomly picked to send me to encourage me in a rough time I was/am going through. At first I'll admit I wondered why that one. It's almost like he somehow knew, without me having said something, that I was afraid of some stuff because of the whole situation. So, I couldn't figure out why it was included.
I went to a new youth group that night with a friend (ok, well, more like my non-biological sister :) ) and guess what the lesson was on? Fear. Coincidence? I think not.
Then, well, I started this blog earlier and left it open while I watched an X-Files (AWESOME show btw :D ). When I come back, I open FB out of instinct, and scroll down, stopping at a picture of a candle. What does it say on it? "Pslam 27:1 'The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?'"
If all those aren't crystal clear, I think I'd need a cloud sign like one of those ones that airplanes make for special occasions and high prices. God can't really be too much clearer than sending His words at you through every source imaginable, whether it be a friend (who sent it unknowngly because they were unaware it would mean so much to you), a Facebook post (seems silly but God uses everything for His Glory, Facebook included), to a random comment from your mother about not being afraid (on a topic that I may bring up in later blogs but I can't yet in this one....).
Even in the music I've been listening to, that message comes through. The funny thing is, I put my IPod on shuffle and just let it play. Most of the songs that came one were ones I'd listened to once or twice and forgotten about or just hadn't listened to in ages.
Basically, what I am saying is, God's teaching me to stand strong in Him. Once I put so much as an ounce of my faith anywhere else, my world falls down. Or, rather, not falls, because that suggests even an ounce of grace. It crashes. It crashes right down on top of me. And I am left sitting in a pile of rubble wondering where I went wrong.... until something like this happens. I finally clue in.

Right now, I won't say I am not having a rough time. That'd be a total lie. I am having a rough time. I feel like I spend half my day crying and the other half hiding the fact that I need to. Well, now it's less than half.... things are getting easier. Time will heal wounds. I know that. Being patient can just be hard sometimes. Yet, there are moments when I don't think I CAN wait, and then there are moments like now where I can sit down, smile and mean it, and just look at how blessed I am. Sure when I got home I did homework, but I had a computer to use and internet to use to help me. That was in the house I had to go home to. And my work is from the private school where I go. I had dinner because there was a meal on the table. I sat with my parents, cuddled my various pets (my guinea pig, my cat, and my dog) and watched an X-Files on Netflix. I AM SO BLESSED. I can say when I get hit with that perspective I feel like I act like a whiny infant otherwise.

Life is hard. Christianity I think makes it harder. However, it also makes it more worth it; FAR more worth it. It is a commitment, but it has reward. It has an ETERNAL reward.

So, DO NOT BE AFRAID! God has commanded us not to be. Personally I find it's incentive enough just to obey God, but, also, living a life out of fear sucks. When you learn to stop being afraid, you learn to really live. So, sorry if I come across as a total hypocrite. I know you can't just drop your fears and be free. I sturggle with my own fears. Some are realistic, some are, admittedly, stupid. I have decided, though, I am working towards overcoming them through Christ since that's the only way I can.

God bless! I am praying for you (in the general sense that I hope everyone who reads my blogs will gain at least one small thing from them for God's glory)!